Beyond the Mirror
To pursue
The hope that all families live in homes where love is patient, gentle, kind, not boastful, and where words and actions lift you up
Welcome to Beyond the Mirror website
Our purpose is to provide information designed to help achieve these principles.
We must do all that we can, in the time that we have.
|
|
Beyond the Mirror-A Book and a Hope
|
|
Beyond the Mirror-The Book
He Never Hits Her
She watches, like a puppy
waiting for affection or a treat.
She watches--yet rarely
is there a gentle touch,
or loving eyes.
Instead, his eyes
are gunmetal.
His words are razors.
You're getting fat.
What do you do all day?
You parent like your mother.
Where did you get that outfit?
You forgot to get my cleaning again.
It's beyond me how you got a degree.
Your friends say they don't like you.
You missed a spot when you vacuumed.
You forgot to use heavy starch on my shirts. Again.
You get an allowance because you can't handle money.
All I ask is that you do what I ask.
You can't do anything right.
She watches. And he turns, as though
she is a curl
of dog shit that one
would dispatch into sand
with a quick kick of his Nike.
He never touches her. With his fists.
Marlene Jezierski, Beyond the Mirror
|
What is the book Beyond the Mirror about?
The book was written to shine light on the darkness of pain and suffering that victims experience when cutting words and demeaning nonverbal behaviors are perpetrated by their intimate partners. Many individuals in abusive relationships do not recognize that the behaviors of their partner are abusive,
especially if the abuser does not punch, strangle, rape, or push her or him down stairs. The physical elements of abusive relationships are easily recognized by society, but the cunning and cruel use of words that hurt and control another person is not well understood.
Families, friends, and neighbors often find it difficult to understand why victims stay in abusive homes. Some have difficulty being supportive because they don't understand the dynamics and control of emotional/psychological abuse. The book Beyond the Mirror, uses poetry to cast light on these abuses.
Beyond the Mirror is available electronically at no cost. Click on "A free book" or the book cover above. Hard copies are available in small quantities at no cost (depending on availability) or in larger quantities at a low cost. For queries, click on "Contact us". For a review of the book click on:
Bobz Book Reviews
|
|
Beyond the Mirror-The Hope
If there
is to be peace in the world
there
must be peace in the nations.
If there is to be peace in the nations there must be peace in the cities.
If there is to be peace in the cities
there must be peace between neighbors.
If there is to be peace between neighbors
there must be peace in the home.
If there is to be peace in the home
there must be peace in the heart.
Let us be bearers of peace. Amen.
—Sixth century prayer for peace
|
|
From Victim to Survivor
Beyond the Mirror as a hope embodies the goal that victims of verbal/psychological violence and abuse can
Recognize the injustices of such behaviors
Realize they do not deserve to be treated violently
Believe in their potential, that they can evolve from being a person who is constantly put down and demeaned to someone who is able to live in peace without the pain and suffering associated with abuse
|
|
Community Support and Engagement
A second and essential element of this hope is a community that recognizes its role in helping to spread peace into homes and communities and takes action in response to that recognition. Beyond the Mirror as a hope is the pursuit of peace in every home by an informed community that recognizes certain behaviors for what they are: violent, abusive, corrosive, and controlling.
Informed communities
-
Act to bring peace into every home Know what it takes to maintain a peaceful community Are willing to take such actions
|
|
What is verbal or psychological abuse? What are some signs?
Simply stated, verbal/psychological abuse is controlling the partner through the use of words and non-physical behaviors that hurt or put fear into the victim/survivor. Verbal abuse is violent and crushes spirits. Verbal abuse causes pain, suffering, and damage to its victims through words and calculated non-physical actions. Verbal abuse results in victims feeling as though they must walk on eggshells, fearing that any action or gesture will cause more abuse. A partner who is verbally abusive uses control as a weapon and a means of subjugating the victim/survivor.
Signs of verbal/psychological abuse can include:
Gestures or threatening actions such as pounding walls, kicking objects, fierce looks, silence
Controlling family finances, giving the partner a sparse allowance
Isolating one's partner from family and supportive friends
Requiring the partner to obtain permission to participte in activities Threatening to leave the relationship if the partner does not comply Threatening physical or sexual violence Demeaning one's partner in front of the children and encouraging the children to abuse the victim
Insults, demeaning statements, calling the partner fat, ugly, stupid, crazy Using yelling or withdrawal as a way to force compliance Making false accusations of infidelity
Waking one's partner during the night with threats and put-downs resulting in sleep deprivation
Enforcing trivial demands
Not allowing one's partner to work or drive
Humiliating the partner by yelling or degrading her/him in public
Monitoring, managing, and criticizing the partner's shopping habits: cost, what is purchased, time spent
Monitoring every move one's partner makes, calling frequently when not home, listening in on phone calls, checking cell phone calls, requiring the partner to check in by phone Verbal abuse often causes
|
|
Victim Perspective: Would you recognize me if you met me?
Would you recognize me? I could be your sister, your daughter, your mother, or your wife.
I grew up in a loving, supportive, caring family. My parents have been married for over 55 years. They taught us to care for and about one another. I became a nurse. In my professional experiences, I saw the effects of abuse on patients and their families. Now, after thirty years, I carry my own diagnoses of dysthymia which led to depression, post traumatic stress disorder, hypothyroidism, fibromyalgia, and am currently undergoing a cardiac workup. My psychotherapist and I agree that my diagnoses are the result of the myriad of abusive experiences I endured over the past thirty years. My family and I have undergone marital and family counseling, school counseling, physical therapy and hospitalizations. My ex-husband(s) have undergone domestic abuse counseling and anger management. My ex-husband got part of my retirement (I got none of his) and has access to health care at my employer's expense (though he never contributed). I still work full time as a health professional. Most people who meet me have no idea what my life has been like. I now have a life free of abuse, but my diagnoses will be with me and my family until we die.
Would you recognize me if you met me? I could be and others like me could be, your sister, your daughter, your mother, or your wife. - S.S.
|
|
What is my responsibility? I am a peaceful person.
There is an oft-told story of a man walking the beach. He saw hundreds of starfish that had washed up on the shore. A little boy was tossing the starfish one by one back into the water. The man asked the boy, "Why are you wasting your time throwing those starfish back? In the big picture it isn’t going to make a difference." The boy picked up one more starfish and said, “It will matter to this one,” and threw it into the sea.
Response to violence in homes and communities is about seeing the problem and acting on it. Actions may be small things that make a difference in someone's life, gestures that may only matter to one person. It might be as simple as listening and caring when a victim is struggling and in pain, knowing how the victim can best be helped, being aware of community resources, recognizing that words can be violent, and understanding the debilitating impact of psychological/verbal abuse. Accept the fact that going from victim to survivor is a process and that only the victim can make that happen. But you can help.
Consider these suggestions:
Volunteer for agencies that help people experiencing violence
Join community councils that are working on family violence education and prevention
Become involved in policy change, work to improve laws and community responses to violence in the home
Click on "To help community," "To help friends" and "Resources"
|
|
If there is to be peace in the world, there must be peace in the home.
Violence in the home is everyone’s problem.
We must each be part of the solution.
We must do all that we can in the time that we have.
|
|