Beyond the Mirror
Welcome to Beyond the Mirror’s website

If there is to be peace in the world there must be peace in the home.
Violence in the home is everyone’s problem.
Each of us must be part of the solution.
We must do all that we can in the time that we have.

This site provides:
  • A free e-book of poetry on psychological abuse; (click on book cover below)
  • Information on unhealthy/abusive relationships;
  • How we can help as individuals and as communities.
Our mission is to work for peace in homes by distributing information about unhealthy/violent relationships; suggesting ways to help individuals in such relationships; and empowering and affirming victim/survivors.

Materials

                                                This section contains the following components:
                                          I. Assessing your relationship
                                         II. Signs of a potential batterer/abuser
                                        III. Dating bill of rights
                                        IV. Safety plan


I. Assessing your relationship

  “NO” answers to the following are indicators of a controlling, abusive relationship.
  Does/is the person you are with:
  - support the things you do?
  - encourage you to try new things?
  - listen when you have something on your mind?
  - understand you have a life, too?
  - liked by your friends?

  “YES” answers to the following are indicators of a controlling, abusive relationship
  Does the person you are with:
  - say you are too involved with activities?
  - text or call you all the time?
  - think you spend too much time trying to look good?
  - get extremely possessive or jealous?
  - accuse you of flirting or cheating?
  - constantly check up on you or accuse you of cheating?
  - control what you wear or how you look?
  - try to control who you see or what you do?
  - try to keep you from seeing family or talking to friends?
  - control how you spend your money?
  - have mood swings—angry one minute, sweet the next?
  - put you down, criticize you, call you names, humiliate you in front of others?
  - make you feel like everything is your fault or blame you for problems?
  - make you feel like no one else would ever want you?
  - threaten you, your family, your friends?
  - push, grab, choke or punch you?
  - threaten you by breaking or throwing things or punching walls?
  - make you feel afraid?
  - torture or kill animals?

check out: Website

II. Signs of a potential batterer/abuser

  “YES” answers to the following are signs of a controlling, abusive partner.

  1. Are you extremely jealous?
  2. Do you have a need to control your partner’s activities such as attending or not attending social events, seeing
      other friends, or visiting family?
  3. Do you use physical force to solve problems?
  4. Do you “lose control” when you consume drugs or alcohol?
  5. Do you believe you are the head of the relationship or household and should not be challenged?
  6. Are you worried about stress, anger, or losing your temper?
  7. Do you sometimes feel out of control with your partner? your children?
  8. Are you concerned about losing someone you love?
  9. Do you have concerns about feeling angry with people that you care most about?
 10. When you get frustrated or angry, do you explode?
 11. Did/does one of your parents physically, emotionally, and/or sexually hurt the other?

For free, confidential help call the Men’s Line at 612-379-6367.

III. Dating Bill of Rights

I Have The Right

  1. To be physically, emotionally and sexually respected.
  2. To have my needs be as important as my partner’s needs.
  3. To express my opinions and have them respected.
  4. To be myself and not change to suit others.
  5. To refuse a date without feeling guilty.
  6. To change my mind.
  7. To feel good about the relationship.
  8. To have my feelings about intimacy respected.9999
  9. To act the way I am comfortable.
 10. To share equally in decisions.
 11. To like myself the way I am.
 12. To have friends of my own.
 13. To be responsible for my own behavior.

IV Safety plan
Whenever an abuse victim decides to end an abusive relationship, it may be helpful or even essential for the victim to develop a safety plan, especially if there has been physical or sexual violence. Leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous time for the victim. Even when there has been just emotional abuse, the abuser may become physically or sexually violent. In any case, strong consideration towards safety should be given.

  A. Advocacy
      Consult with a family violence advocate—they are skilled at assessing victim’s situations, suggesting appropriate
      actions and helping you with a safety plan. If you do not know an agency near you, call the national hotline: 1-866-
      223-1111.

   B. Emergency kit
       Put together an emergency kit and hide it in a place where you can get to it without putting yourself in danger
       of attack from your abuser, possibly in the garage, or at a friend’s house. Contents should include:
         a. Documents: marriage license, your and your children’s birth certificates, deeds, mortgages, title cards, income
             tax records, charge account numbers and cards, all identification papers include social security cards for you
             and your children, passports, green cards, insurance policies, medical records, orders for protection, etc.
         b. Cash, checks.
         c. Medications for you and your children.
         d. Contact information/address and phone records of family, friends, professionals, family violence agencies.
         e. Keys: cars, house, safety deposit box, etc.
         f. A list of sentimental possessions you don’t want to lose.

   C. Private bank account
        Open a bank account where your abuser does not have an account. Do not tell your abuser about the account.

   D. Safe place
        Identify a place where you can go: relative, friend, shelter.

   E. Phone
       Keep your cell phone on you at all times. Call 911 if you fear you are in danger. If you have no funds for a cell
       phone, many family violence agencies will provide free cell phones that will allow you to call 911 at no cost.

    F. Neighbors/landlord/workplace
          a. Share your situation with people who could be of help in an emergency. Ask them to call police if you seem
              to be in an unsafe situation.

   G. Self care
           a. Talk to understanding people who will support you such as family, friends, clergy, and counselors.
           b. Join a support group.
           c. Consider journaling about your feelings.